Josh Hamilton, major league baseball player. Josh Hamilton, AL MVP, homerun derby champion and superstar millionaire athlete. Josh Hamilton, recovering drug addict and alcoholic. A good old fashioned Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde story, as the story of most addicts tends to be. How does a man with this much talent separate those characteristics? That's the question that the average fan is asking himself each time they read or hear that Josh Hamilton has relapsed and pictures of a shirtless Hamilton taking body shots off of a woman, not his wife, flood the internet. The other question that fans are asking is a simple one, in their eyes. Can't the guy just not drink? That's a very difficult question to ask if you do not have personal experience with alcoholism and drug addiction. If you have a 9-5 job, love baseball, played the game your entire life and never made it to the professional level, you probably think that $80 million and all the perks that come with being a professional athlete would keep you from drinking, no matter what the circumstances. The reason why an average Joe is able to say that with conviction is because he doesn't suffer the Ism. I have personal experience with alcoholism and drug addiction and I speak for myself only. $80 million, all the fans kissing my feet, countless women adoring my every move, playing the game I love so much would never, ever be enough for me because once I get it in my head that I want a drink, none of that matters. Not the family who loves me, not the team that signs my paychecks, definitely not the fans kissing my feet. All of those things I just mentioned become white noise and my mind is unable to concede that all of that really does matter to me. On an intellectual level, I can probably understand it, but my heart and soul don't have the ability to make sense of it, not even a little bit. I know what you are saying, he has a wife and kids, isn't that enough to prevent him from drinking? He knows that each time he drinks he ends up in terrible situations, isn't that enough? Honestly, it's not and never will be enough. As an alcoholic and drug addict, I know that my mind works different than a normal drinker. A normal drinker is able to go out and have a few drinks, feel that they are getting a bit too intoxicated and simply stop so that nothing bad happens. They are able to wake up with the worst hangover of their life, turn over and say "I'm never gonna do that again" and not take a drink for months! As an alcoholic, maybe I was able to do that once in a while, but more often than not, I was not able to think of the consequences of my actions, the thoughts or feelings of spending every last dollar on alcohol, the pain I put others through when I drank too much, verbally abusing my girlfriend, family and friends doesn't even cross my mind; it just doesn't. I get this feeling that no matter how many times I have shown that I cannot drink like a gentleman, that each and every time I put a drop of alcohol in my system, I turn into a different person, the person I told you and everyone else I never wanted to be. So, that brings us to the other night. When Josh Hamilton entered the bar to meet a teammate for dinner, it's definitely possible that he thought to himself, this time it's going to be different. Despite every example to the contrary. It's also possible that he walked into that bar spiritually fit and was confident that he wasn't going to drink and of course, it's entirely possible that he planned this in his head for hours, days or even weeks. Nobody knows the answer to that difficult question, but I do know this. Unless you have worn the pair of shoes he walks in, you don't know anything about what it takes to not take a drink, one day at a time and God willing, you never will know.
I didn't write this blog today to point fingers at others, to tell people that I know better than you do. I actually started writing this today to do the exact opposite. To help people understand or at least try to give people a better idea of what went down and how this works. It's easy to ask simple questions like "why doesn't he just stop drinking if it's so dangerous?" " how can he continue to put his family through this pain and suffering?" It must be difficult to accept the truth, which is he doesn't know why and can't control the outcome once he takes the first drink. I heard a sports talk radio host talking about this topic and comparing it to his chewing tobacco addiction in college. I wanted to jump through the radio and strangle the guy with both hands until every last breathe was taken from him. Why? Because addiction is one of the most misunderstood topics of discussion in the world today and unless you have personally experienced the pain and suffering that walk hand in hand with addiction, I don't think you are allowed to talk about it as if you have experienced that deep, dark, emptiness that we have.
I would like to give credit to his team, The Texas Rangers. I hate that team, I really do. I hate all teams from Texas. What I have for the Rangers today is a great deal of respect and admiration. They have taken a calm approach to a situation that could easily have turned into chaos. Shayne Kelley was hired today as a major league staff assistant to the team, in other words, he will act as a babysitter for Josh Hamilton. This may work out great or it may not work at all. For all we know Josh will be drinking again in a few days, weeks, months or years. The reality of the circumstances are very simple. Alcoholism is crippling and kills people every single day of the year and it's not pretty. Many of us who suffer from alcoholism never recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, despite our greatest efforts to rid ourselves of the obsession to drink. I haven't had a drink or a drug in 1,255 days and while to some that may seem unimportant and to others who know me, that seems like a miracle, I can't say for sure whether or not I will drink today. A lot of medical folks like to call alcoholism a disease, but unlike most diseases, there isn't a cure for what I have. I can't take a pill or radiation treatment or anything else to ensure that I won't drink again. Early on that was the most crushing blow I ever felt, knowing that I will never get better, that I will never be normal. After a little time and some experience, I find that to be the greatest gift I've ever been granted. It reminds me that today could be the last time I enjoy the birds chirping outside my window, the last time I feel the sun shining on my face or the last time I write a blog entry for you to read. The unknown is often perceived as scary or it can be perceived as a gift. It's your choice.
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