Nick Diaz falling fast, no end in sight

Nick Diaz is likely the most misunderstood fighter I've ever come across. I remember watching Mike Tyson as a young sports fan, wondering to myself "what the hell is wrong with this guy?" It wasn't until years alter and his career played out for all to see that we learned about Iron Mike's dark past. Nick Diaz is a lot like Mike Tyson, with one very large exception. Iron Mike loved attention from the media. If you stuck a microphone in his face he would go on and on about, well, often nothing at all. Nick Diaz is not that way. Prior to his Welterweight title fight with Carlos Condit last weekend in Vegas, UFC did something very smart. They pretty much stole the HBO 24/7 format and called it UFC: Primetime and followed both fighters in the weeks leading up to their scheduled championship fight. It was pure genius. We got a chance to hear about Carlos Condit and his childhood, we saw his father, the media attention starving former aide to New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson ( I honestly think they mentioned that like 13 times) and we got a glimpse into his plush life. Nice house, almost cute wife and young child. On the other hand, we learned about Nick Diaz, the real person under the hard and seasoned exterior that he wants you to think is the guy you hate. I watched all the episodes and never once did he mention his mother or father. In fact, the only time he mentioned a family member (other than UFC lightweight champion brother Nate) was when he mentioned that his aunts and uncles were kinda crunchy granola and often ate rice cakes because they were concerned about their diet. I never imagined that I could relate to an athlete as fierce as Nick Diaz, never thought for a second that we had anything in common, until I realized that we are a lot alike. I wrote an article yesterday breaking my anonymity and telling the world of the demons I faced and the addictions to alcohol and drugs. When I watched Nick Diaz sit in front of the camera and attempt to explain why he is so angry, I couldn't help but accept that we may have walked the same path, just in a different part of town. I heard the darkness of his past when he spoke of his childhood; the desperation to fit in with other kids and the inability to make friends because he felt angry all the time.

If you follow UFC closely, you already heard about Nick Diaz testing positive for marijuana after his loss to Carlos Condit and the 1 year suspension that may follow because this is the second failed drug test of his career. I can't help but feel for this guy and wonder if he is able to be saved from his dark passenger. Far too often, we see an athlete on TV and we automatically label him a bad guy based on public perception and leave it at that. I feel compelled to admit that I think Nick Diaz is actually one of the good guys. He's genuine, authentic, and that's a tough pill to swallow primarily because he's the polar opposite of who we want him to be. GSP fans would prefer Nick Diaz to wear a suit and tie to press conferences, answer questions with a large vocabulary and smile for the cameras. It begs the question. If Nick Diaz is real then are the other fighters fake? That's a topic for another day and clearly we will never have a crystal clear answer, but in short I think the answer is yes.

Nick Diaz has made it known that he doesn't like his opponent, in fact he hates them. He doesn't like media attention, following rules, acting like he is someone he is not and he hasn't exactly done much to change, despite UFC President Dana White's endless encouragement to change. Nick Diaz is likely out of the fight game for the duration of 2012 and that's a shame. Not because I won't get to see one of my favorite fighters whoop some ass, but because the further out of the picture he falls, the more unlikely it is that he will get the help he so desperately needs. But then again, I presume he wouldn't be a big fan of getting the help he needs either. I would enjoy nothing more than watching Nick Diaz return to the octagon in 2013 a new man, a changed man, but that's likely not how this story ends. More than likely Nick will never find himself because more than likely, he's not looking for himself.

Josh Hamilton's fall from the top, an understanding of the unknown

Josh Hamilton, major league baseball player. Josh Hamilton, AL MVP, homerun derby champion and superstar millionaire athlete. Josh Hamilton, recovering drug addict and alcoholic. A good old fashioned Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde story, as the story of most addicts tends to be. How does a man with this much talent separate those characteristics? That's the question that the average fan is asking himself each time they read or hear that Josh Hamilton has relapsed and pictures of a shirtless Hamilton taking body shots off of a woman, not his wife, flood the internet. The other question that fans are asking is a simple one, in their eyes. Can't the guy just not drink? That's a very difficult question to ask if you do not have personal experience with alcoholism and drug addiction. If you have a 9-5 job, love baseball, played the game your entire life and never made it to the professional level, you probably think that $80 million and all the perks that come with being a professional athlete would keep you from drinking, no matter what the circumstances. The reason why an average Joe is able to say that with conviction is because he doesn't suffer the Ism. I have personal experience with alcoholism and drug addiction and I speak for myself only. $80 million, all the fans kissing my feet, countless women adoring my every move, playing the game I love so much would never, ever be enough for me because once I get it in my head that I want a drink, none of that matters. Not the family who loves me, not the team that signs my paychecks, definitely not the fans kissing my feet. All of those things I just mentioned become white noise and my mind is unable to concede that all of that really does matter to me. On an intellectual level, I can probably understand it, but my heart and soul don't have the ability to make sense of it, not even a little bit. I know what you are saying, he has a wife and kids, isn't that enough to prevent him from drinking? He knows that each time he drinks he ends up in terrible situations, isn't that enough? Honestly, it's not and never will be enough. As an alcoholic and drug addict, I know that my mind works different than a normal drinker. A normal drinker is able to go out and have a few drinks, feel that they are getting a bit too intoxicated and simply stop so that nothing bad happens. They are able to wake up with the worst hangover of their life, turn over and say "I'm never gonna do that again" and not take a drink for months! As an alcoholic, maybe I was able to do that once in a while, but more often than not, I was not able to think of the consequences of my actions, the thoughts or feelings of spending every last dollar on alcohol, the pain I put others through when I drank too much, verbally abusing my girlfriend, family and friends doesn't even cross my mind; it just doesn't. I get this feeling that no matter how many times I have shown that I cannot drink like a gentleman, that each and every time I put a drop of alcohol in my system, I turn into a different person, the person I told you and everyone else I never wanted to be. So, that brings us to the other night. When Josh Hamilton entered the bar to meet a teammate for dinner, it's definitely possible that he thought to himself, this time it's going to be different. Despite every example to the contrary. It's also possible that he walked into that bar spiritually fit and was confident that he wasn't going to drink and of course, it's entirely possible that he planned this in his head for hours, days or even weeks. Nobody knows the answer to that difficult question, but I do know this. Unless you have worn the pair of shoes he walks in, you don't know anything about what it takes to not take a drink, one day at a time and God willing, you never will know.

I didn't write this blog today to point fingers at others, to tell people that I know better than you do. I actually started writing this today to do the exact opposite. To help people understand or at least try to give people a better idea of what went down and how this works. It's easy to ask simple questions like "why doesn't he just stop drinking if it's so dangerous?" " how can he continue to put his family through this pain and suffering?" It must be difficult to accept the  truth, which is he doesn't know why and can't control the outcome once he takes the first drink. I heard a sports talk radio host talking about this topic and comparing it to his chewing tobacco addiction in college. I wanted to jump through the radio and strangle the guy with both hands until every last breathe was taken from him. Why? Because addiction is one of the most misunderstood topics of discussion in the world today and unless you have personally experienced the pain and suffering that walk hand in hand with addiction, I don't think you are allowed to talk about it as if you have experienced that deep, dark, emptiness that we have.

I would like to give credit to his team, The Texas Rangers. I hate that team, I really do. I hate all teams from Texas. What I have for the Rangers today is a great deal of respect and admiration. They have taken a calm approach to a situation that could easily have turned into chaos. Shayne Kelley was hired today as a major league staff assistant to the team, in other words, he will act as a babysitter for Josh Hamilton. This may work out great or it may not work at all. For all we know Josh will be drinking again in a few days, weeks, months or years. The reality of the circumstances are very simple. Alcoholism is crippling and kills people every single day of the year and it's not pretty. Many of us who suffer from alcoholism never recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, despite our greatest efforts to rid ourselves of the obsession to drink. I haven't had a drink or a drug in 1,255 days and while to some that may seem unimportant and to others who know me, that seems like a miracle, I can't say for sure whether or not I will drink today. A lot of medical folks like to call alcoholism a disease, but unlike most diseases, there isn't a cure for what I have. I can't take a pill or radiation treatment or anything else to ensure that I won't drink again. Early on that was the most crushing blow I ever felt, knowing that I will never get better, that I will never be normal. After a little time and some experience, I find that to be the greatest gift I've ever been granted. It reminds me that today could be the last time I enjoy the birds chirping outside my window, the last time I feel the sun shining on my face or the last time I write a blog entry for you to read. The unknown is often perceived as scary or it can be perceived as a gift. It's your choice.